The Love You've Got to Give

• It’s typical for women and other underrepresented leaders to put everyone else first. But it’s a very costly move

• Self-love isn't manicures and bubble baths; it's believing you matter as much as everyone else

• That looks like saying no without guilt, asking for what you need, and protecting your energy

• The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life

Mirror Mantra

February is the month of love. What does that typically look like? Flowers. Chocolates. Candlelit dinners. Grand gestures for the people who matter most.

But what about the person you see in the mirror every morning?

For most of us, self-love isn't just absent from our Valentine's celebrations; it's absent from our entire lives. We've been taught that caring for ourselves is selfish. Putting our own needs first makes us bad partners, parents, leaders, people.

I learned this early. My mother was an incredible physician and mother who ran our entire household. She made it look effortless—caring for patients, raising kids, cooking elaborate meals, everything. I grew up believing that was what I was supposed to do too. Put everyone else first. Never consider what would make me happy. Just keep moving, keep achieving so that I could keep giving. It took me decades to realize I'd never even asked myself what I wanted—so much so that, when I finally slowed down for long enough to ask the question, I didn’t really know.  But for the first time, I could see that it was crucial for me to figure it out. 

You've probably heard people say you can't pour from an empty cup. That's true, but it's not the whole story. Self-love isn't just about maintaining your capacity to serve others. It's about recognizing that you are just as worthy of love and care as everyone else. Not because of what you can do for people, but because of the inherent, precious, even divine value of your soul.

When you truly love yourself, things change for you—and for those around you. You teach others what they deserve, including your children, your mentees, the people you lead. You model what it looks like to honor yourself, set boundaries, and refuse to betray your own worth in pursuit of approval.

Self-love is more than bubble baths and face masks, though treating yourself well has value too. It's the deep work of believing you matter. That your happiness counts. That your needs are legitimate. That you don't have to apologize for taking up space.

Today, I think about what will make me happy. I consider what I want to do and what I don't. I set boundaries. I protect my energy. I ask myself if something is worth my time before I say yes. This doesn't make me less effective. It makes me whole. 

Power Move of the Week

This week, practice treating yourself like someone you love.

Here's how:

1. Notice your inner dialogue. When you make a mistake or fall short of expectations, what do you say to yourself? Would you speak that way to someone you love?
   

2. Choose one act of self-love. Not self-care (though you should feel free to book that nail appointment or hit the gym, because feeling good matters—and you can  queue up The Mirror Effect audiobook while you do it!). That might mean:
   

   • Saying no to something that depletes you

   • Asking for what you need without apologizing

   • Honoring a boundary even when it disappoints someone else

   • Choosing what makes you happy over what others think you “should” do (don’t “should” on yourself!)

Reflect. Journal for five minutes. Use this prompt: What would change if I truly and deeply loved myself?

What’s next?

Self-love is the foundation of everything else. 

Happy Valentine's Day. Now go love yourself first.

The Mirror Effect audiobook is now available on Audible—your roadmap for building the life and leadership you actually want in 2026.

Set the intention. Press play. Let's begin.

[Listen now →] The Mirror Effect Audio Book

Have you seen my TEDx talk "Focus on the Mirror, Not the Glass Ceiling"? In it, I explore how finding the right mirrors—people who reflect our potential and validate our experiences—can transform our leadership journey. I'd be honored if you'd watch and share it with others who might benefit from this message.